Are others taking advantage of you? Are you struggling to set boundaries?

Are you always putting others’ needs before your own? Do you find it hard to say no? You might be experiencing ‘Nice’ Person Syndrome. This blog will help you understand this tendency and provide practical steps to find a balance between kindness and self-respect.

Are You a ‘Nice’ Person? Take This Questionnaire

Start by evaluating your tendencies with this questionnaire:

Do you avoid conflict or confrontation at all costs?
Are you overly concerned about what others think of you?
Do you hesitate to tell someone they have hurt your feelings or made you angry because you don’t want to upset them?
Is it very important to you that people like you?
Do you avoid expressing your true feelings out of fear of making someone angry?
Do you find yourself apologizing too much or too often?
Do you often give in because you feel selfish if you refuse to help someone?
Do you frequently accept invitations because you don’t want the inviter to feel rejected?
Are you worried that people will dislike you if you’re not cooperative?
Do you struggle to assert yourself with service staff, such as sending back a dish or declining a salesperson’s offer?
Do you often end up agreeing to things, including purchases, because you can’t say no?
Do you have trouble speaking up as soon as someone or something is unfair to you?
Do you avoid addressing issues when someone has upset you because you think it won’t help or will only cause a bigger problem?
Do you often take the blame for things just to avoid an argument, rejection, or abandonment?
Do you have people in your life who take advantage of you?
Do you make excuses for people’s poor behaviour, convincing yourself they didn’t mean it or didn’t know better?
Do you feel terrible when someone is angry with you?
Do you give someone the benefit of the doubt even when others warn you this person is trouble?
Do you give people multiple chances even when they continue with the same hurtful or inappropriate behaviour?
Do you maintain relationships with friends or acquaintances you don’t particularly like or have much in common with out of a sense of obligation?
Do you feel you don’t have the right to complain about someone’s behaviour if you’ve ever been guilty of the same behaviour?
Are you attracted to “bad boys” or people with a significant dark side?
Do you strongly believe in being fair, even when others treat you unfairly?

The Ten False Beliefs of a ‘Nice’ Person

Other people’s feelings and needs are far more important than my own.
If I am nice (and fair) to other people, they will be nice (and fair) to me.
What other people think about me is more important than my self-esteem, my health, or even my safety.
If I am good and perfect, I will be accepted and loved.
If I act naive and innocent, people will take care of me and I won’t have to grow up.
I don’t have the right to stand up for myself or act on my own behalf.
Anger is a destructive emotion and shouldn’t be expressed, especially directly to those with whom you are angry.
It is better to avoid conflict at all costs.
There is good in everyone, and if you give someone enough chances, he or she will eventually show it to you.
Women need men to protect them and support them financially.

Behaviours of ‘Nice’ People

Self-Doubt: They frequently question their own perceptions, knowledge, and beliefs.
Overly Trusting: They tend to trust others, even when past experiences suggest they shouldn’t.
Naivety: They are often naive about others’ motives.
Self-Sacrifice: They believe they must meet others’ needs, especially those of their partner and children, regardless of the consequences to themselves, often considering their own needs less important.

Reasons Behind Being Too Nice

Fear of Dislike: Worry that others won’t like them unless they are nice.
Fear of Unkindness: Concern that others won’t be nice to them if they aren’t nice first.
Conflict Avoidance: Afraid of confrontation and conflict.
Fear of Rejection: Worry about being rejected or abandoned by loved ones.
Social Ostracism: Fear of being excluded from their social circle.
Fear of Anger: Concern about what might happen if they express their anger.
Avoiding Parental Patterns: Fear of becoming like an abusive parent.
Gender Expectations: Women, in particular, fear being seen as too masculine and worry that if they aren’t nice, men won’t protect or provide for them

Steps to Overcome Being Too Nice

Be Strong, Not Just Fair: Overemphasis on fairness can lead to manipulation. Stand firm on real issues.
Be Honest with Yourself: Recognize your real reasons for being nice, whether it’s guilt, shame, or fear of confrontation or loneliness.
Set Limits and Boundaries: Expect others to take care of their own needs and don’t let them take advantage of you.
Speak Up: Communicate when someone hurts or angers you. Silence can be seen as acceptance of mistreatment.
Confront Your Anger: Acknowledge and address any repressed anger.
Recognize True Motives: Understand that you might be taking care of others in hope of reciprocation. Focus on your own needs.
Focus on Your Goals: Prioritize your own aspirations and take risks for them.
Allow Yourself to Be ‘Bad’ Sometimes: It’s healthy to not always be nice. Otherwise, you might attract people who will exploit your suppressed ‘badness.’
Stop Giving Multiple Chances: Believe people when they show you who they are the first time.

Why Being ‘Nice’ Doesn’t Serve You

Lack of Respect: Not respecting your own needs signals to others that they don’t need to respect you either.
Attracting Manipulators: Being too nice attracts bullies, narcissists, and exploiters.
Self-Love: Respect and love yourself to attract the right people into your life.
Unresolved Problems: Not expressing negative emotions leads to unresolved issues.
True Self-Expression: People can’t know the real you unless you share your true feelings.
Dishonesty: Not being honest about your feelings is a form of dishonesty.
Intimacy Requires Honesty: True intimacy in relationships requires honesty about who you are and how you feel.

Embracing Change

If you recognize these struggles, consider taking the following steps to overcome the Nice Person Syndrome:

Self-Reflection: Spend time daily reflecting on your thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help identify patterns of self-doubt.
Setting Boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Clear boundaries prevent burnout and ensure your needs are met.
Support Network: Surround yourself with people who respect and appreciate you. A strong support system provides security and validation.
Self-Education: Learn about common manipulation tactics and how to recognize them. This knowledge helps protect you from being taken advantage of.
Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that rejuvenate you, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or relaxation. Ensure you take care of your physical and emotional well-being.

By understanding and addressing these hidden struggles, ‘nice’ people can continue to spread kindness while also taking care of their own needs. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

Note: All images are for illustrative purposes only.

References

Engel, B. (2008) The nice girl syndrome

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nice-Girl-Syndrome

https://www.menshealth.com/health/a43216627/6-definitive-signs-of-nice-guy-syndrome/

https://betterboundariesworkbook.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-kindness/#:~:text=Setting%20a%20boundary%20is%20about,feel%20and%20what%20you%20need.